Good Advice

Anyone else really good at giving amazing, incredible, life-changing advice to other people, but you don’t practice any of it?

I’m officially what I never wanted to be.

A hypocrite.

If you’ve read anything I’ve ever written here, you’ll probably have a picture painted of a strong, self-empowered woman who doesn’t need a man, is full of self confidence, and learns from her very mistake.

Absofuckinglutley not.

My life is this endless merry-go-round of thinking I have it all figured out, then going and making the same stupid decisions over and over and over and over again.

Well, I want off this damn ride.

But how the hell do you stop the cycle? I’m sure you know the one. Do something dumb, realize it’s dumb, tell yourself not to do the dumb thing again, and then go and do the dumb thing again…

Or is it really just me? *nervous laugh*

I honestly wish I lived out all of the empowering wisdom filled bullshit I write here but I do not.

I’ll tell you to be confident and secure in yourself, but then second guess EVERY SINGLE WORD I say to everyone. I’ll tell you not to care about what people think and cry and beat myself up for a week because I hurt someone’s feelings on accident. I’ll tell you not to waste your time on people who don’t respect you and I’ll grovel at someone’s feet because them liking me is more important than my own self-respect.

I’ll tell you to be patient, and then chase away a good thing because I can’t just chill TF out. I’ll preach about not trying to change people or yourself for someone else and then spend YEARS trying to change how I feel about someone because somewhere a long the line I became ok with the fact that I don’t deserve to have a love like the ones a write, read, and dream about

So here I am again. 30 and divorced AGAIN. My head in a constant spin of feeling incredible, free, and happy… and then used, disposable, and worthless. I know a huge part is just recovering from the last few years. Trying to piece together the good parts and be kind to someone everyone says I should hate.

But I just can’t do it. I can’t take my own advice. I can’t give up on people I should walk away from. I can’t want things that are good for me because for some stupid reason my heart only ever wants what it absolutely cannot have.

Anyone ready to check me into psych yet? Haha

I guess this is what being an empathetic, anxiety-ridden, overthinking, woman is like.

Fucking miserable.

But it’s also incredible.

One thing I really do, is live most days like they’re my last. I’m learning how to ask for what I want and try not to care what anyone else has to say about it. I still believe in the potential people show me and am patient with them. So much of this self-help, short quote inspired, social media craziness, is just dropping people when they do something you don’t like. But I can’t do that, I just forgive, I stick around, and I guess if that makes me crazy then check me into the nut house. I might still be figuring a lot of things out, but one thing I know for sure is life is just way to fucking short not to follow your heart, even if it leads you in the wrong direction sometimes, I’m still hoping one day it’ll all make sense. As disgustingly cliche as it all sounds